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thoughts and ramblings

a little insight into the world of the developing schizophrenic...

Thursday, January 12, 2006

january 12, 2k6

human emotions...amazing what they can do. one person acts of his own without thinking of the feelings of others. selfish in a way. and its also amazing what damage they can do and drive a stake between two people.
i'm guilty of the above crime. i considered the actions of myself, and not of my girlfriend. i acted and did something that would be the cause of a breakup in many relationships. regardless of how i acted, i knew it was wrong and should have never participated in it in the first place. i don't know why i do what i do...it just happens. its almost like i'm out of control, and i don't realize what i have done until after the fact. i guess i'm just an idiot. i had the love of a beautiful girl, one who treated me like i was the most important person in the world. one who wanted to be with me forever. and i do this. what kind of person am i? i don't deserve her. i'm not worthy of her presence. at times, i don't understand how she puts up with me...and yet she does. there is a love that exists between us that i am so grateful i have found, even though these actions may not show it.
talking with her last night, i realized that i had become my father. not only had i hurt the love of my life, but i had become everything i stood against. my mother was right...and because of her being right...i've hurt a relationship.
i've felt so lost. i tried to understand why i did it. i don't know...i may have some inner trouble that caused me to do it...it may have been a rush...i don't know. but it was wrong. i lost so much blood last night. my arms, my wrists, my legs, my chest, and my fingers all bear the reminder. it hurts to type these words as the slices run deep. i haven't been able to eat or sleep. the few minutes i did fall asleep i woke up biting my arm. i tore flesh i bit so hard. i hate myself at my inner core. i hate what i've become.
the sad thing is...this may have been too late to realize anything and correct it. the damage has been done to the relationship...and i don't understand how she could take me back. the fact that she has...there is a love there. i want to make things up to her...i want to get past this....i love her. i wouldn't be torturing myself over this if i didn't. but the damage is done and my words are hollow to her.
i need to bleed more...she's still hurting....

q.

posted by quinn  # 7:04 AM

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