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thoughts and ramblings

a little insight into the world of the developing schizophrenic...

Saturday, February 12, 2005

february 12, 2k5

in reality, not much has changed in the world around me. i am still the same person, going about the same activities that i always do. i am still spending as much time with the love of my life, the person that means more to me than anyone or anything. i am still madly in love with her, and i always will be.
mentally, however, i am finding new enlightenment. i have been reading the diary of soren kierkegaard, a danish philosopher considered by many to be the father of existentialism. in his notes, he writes much about his bouts of melancholy, his constant struggle to be happy when seeing the true depth of his sadness when compared to the happiness of his love. he feels like one of the "cursed ones", dealing with so many heavy thoughts and deep feelings, and trying to appear happy so as to not drag others down. it hits home, in a very eerie way. i know i'm happy. i have everything i could ever need. i have a good life, a bright future, and the love of the most important person. i can see myself at every step in life, next to her. its just, something intangible. its always there. i try to hide it from her. its not her problem to deal with, its something that i have created or been cursed with, and its something that i must carry onward. i wish i didn't have to burden her with it, dealing with it in her presence. i hope she realizes it is not her fault. its something i've been cursed with. its not her, its just me. she makes me happier than i have ever known, and its her love that has kept me above water so often. she's been my inspiration, and always will be. i don't want anyone to take her place. she has my heart, forever, and i can't wait until we're married and everyone will know that i married the greatest girl in the world.

q.

posted by quinn  # 11:30 PM

Thursday, February 03, 2005

february 3, 2k5

i dunno anymore. sometimes i just wish i had more patience. sometimes i wish i could take back things i said. sometimes i wish i wasn't such a prick.
today, i saddened melody again. we were working on a theatre tech assignment, and we had to pick a movie with special effects and write about them. she wanted me to choose a movie, and i kept rambling off ones that i could think of, and none of them were what she wanted. i finally gave up and just repeated i dunno, and she kept asking me to choose. i just got quiet, because i guess i was kinda annoyed. and she got really quiet and sad, and wouldn't hardly look at me. i hate when i do that. i wish i had more patience.
i'm sorry melody, i love you. i feel bad.

q.

posted by quinn  # 4:03 PM

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