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thoughts and ramblings

a little insight into the world of the developing schizophrenic...

Monday, January 03, 2005

january 3, 2k5

i don't know why i've been in a funk lately. something just feels like it is dragging me down. every time i feel happy, i lose it all. i can't understand why. i have the greatest girlfriend in the world. everything she does makes me smile, and i know we're destined to be together. the only thing that seems different is her drinking. she has started doing it again, after a long time without. i don't know why, its just every time she does it i feel like a piece of me dies. its just i am so scared when she does it. she can't control herself, and she doesn't remember what happens to her when she does it. she has messed up once, and i have forgiven her for that. it was so hard for me to tell her. i wanted to curl up in a ball and cry because it hurt, and i knew it hurt her. i know she didn't mean to do it, its just i'm so scared that it might happen again. i used to drink too, but i can't anymore. i know that if i fall back on drinking, when i get depressed i'll have a hard time and i might die because i will fall back on alcohol. thats not what i want to do. i want to find the joy in my life, not some fake happiness to help me along. the taste of vodka is so good to me, i just can't get over the fact that i'm hurting myself, and i know that she is hurting herself too. every time i drink i can't get a shot down because i don't want her to put up with me when i'm like that. i want to be the one taking care of her, not trying to help her hurt herself. she craves the buzz, and i can't ask her to give that up. i just have to find a way to deal with it all. it just bothers me when i talk to her, and i know that she won't remember any of what happened. its like i'm talking to a wall, and it makes me sad. what makes it worse is that every time she does drink, she stays over at someones house so she won't have to drive so she can really fuck herself up. its like there is no moderation. i know its part of growing up, and i know she was doing that long before she met me. i can't ask her to give it up, she'd never forgive me. maybe i'm just whining. who knows. its just hurting me and i have to find a way to deal with it. until then, i'm not sure what i can do. its been eating at me this whole weekend. i haven't been able to sleep or eat much. i've been worried over her, and hoping and praying that she doesn't get hurt, or do something she'll regret. i would die. i would almost not be able to take it. i would have to draw the line, because it may happen once, and i know she didn't mean to, but to repeatedly put herself in that situation is a lack of judgement. who knows. its only been once. i hope she is careful and knows that the only reason i am saying these things is because i love her and would die if i lost her, or if she was hurt. she is my world, my everything. i'm nothing without her. i love her so much i cry every time i think about something bad happening to her, or coming between us. she is the only one that i've ever done that with, and she will be my only one. i love her more than life itself, and i value her love more than anything else that i will ever have in my life.

posted by quinn  # 10:35 PM

Sunday, January 02, 2005

january 2, 2k5

another new year. started off the way i would dream. i spent midnight with the girl of my dreams. we gave each other new years kisses. we did everything we wanted; spend time with the love of our lives. i couldn't ask for a better night. she is my world, and i hope she knows that i love her with all of my heart and soul. i tell her every day, but i feel that there is never enough time in the day to actually say "i love you" as much as i feel it for her. i can't wait to be married to her, and spend every night with her, holding her close, and waking up in the middle of the night to make sure that i'm not having a dream. those days seem so far away. i wish i could speed up time.

q.

posted by quinn  # 1:29 AM

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