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thoughts and ramblings

a little insight into the world of the developing schizophrenic...

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

december 22, 2k4

boredom. such an interesting topic of discussion. it will drive many people to do weird or different things, all in the name of staying sane. sanity. there's another interesting topic. those that have it say they've lost it and those that have lost it try to maintain the stability that those that have it have. its an amazing reversal of roles. everyone wants to have something different, something new, something they've never tasted. its what drives the consumer market. people have/make things that everyone else wants, and those that have it try to fake it like they are normal, like everyone else that doesn't have what they do. i guess its just part of being human, trying to fit in the norm. its amazing that our socitey has tried to become homogenized. one nation, one people. we're trying to become something we aren't. we are all different and yet we push ourselves to be like those on tv: beautiful, wealthy, popular, careless. and yet, we are not all like that and we never will be. i guess its good to have goals, but to have them in such extremes seems childish and immature. and yet i'm the one who needs to grow up. ironic.

now you see the effect boredom has on people. to keep myself occupied i began writing about something very pure and simple, boredom, and yet because my mind had left over energy and time, i took it to a new direction to occupy my time. i kept flitting and floating, trying to keep myself one step ahead of what i was going to think next. my fingers were flying furiously on the keys, creating text from the seemingly insignificant characters in front of me. i kept moving in a different direction with each topic, each one bringing a new twist, a new topic, a new spin on what is happening in the world around us. i could have kept going, but one doesn't need to beat a dead horse to prove a point; you all understand what i was getting at with only a few examples.
however, suppose i hadn't stopped where i did. suppose i kept going. who knows where i might have ended up and what i might have done. carry this further, away from words, but towards actions. we all have been victims of this. some have called it annoying. some may have moved away from the sector of harmless to that of destructiveness. some have taken that energy out on others. some take it out on themselves. some bear the scars to prove it. with the scars come depression and feelings of desperation and isolation, very scary things to humans. this creates a spiral, a downward vortex of self-pity and destruction, all from being bored. these feelings lead to more negative energy which can ultimately end the lives of those you love. scary to think about. even worse to be in.

all of this from being bored. thank god i've passed that stage.

another social request for the night: give those that you love and care about a deep and heartfelt hug. tell them how much they mean to you. even if they aren't bored and neither are you. you need to keep the positive energy flowing to fight the self-destructive boredom, so they find a more creative release. words. pictures. music. you could help someone and save their life. think about it.

now that i have spent my time writing all of that, i would like to follow my own advice:
melody, you know that you have helped me so much. through all of my good times and all of my bad times. you have kept the postive energy flowing that was so important and lacking in my life. you've been my inspiration through all that has happened in my life. i don't regret anything that has happened. and i don't because you've been there with me to share it. you're my other half. everything you feel emotionally affects me too. you're my soul mate, the only one for me. i know that. i've known that for some time. its a dream come true that you found me and that you feel the same for me that i feel for you. you make my life feel so perfect, and i can only hope that i have done the same for you. you are worth it. you deserve the best that i can provide. and you will always get my best, i couldn't bring myself to do anything less for you. i love you. forever. always. deeply. you will always be the love of my life.

q.

posted by quinn  # 8:21 PM

Thursday, December 09, 2004

december 9, 2k4

a long amount of time has elapsed since my last post, and there haven't been too many new developments. i get to go to disneyland with my girlfriend's family in 8 days, and i'm really excited. i'm glad i get to go to a really neat place (that i've never been to) and i get to be there with the love of my life, the person that means the most to me, the person that will always be the center of my universe. it also gets me out of the house for a few days, because my mom has been acting weird. it almost seems like she has stopped counseling, and is reverting back to her old ways. i can't stand it. i hate coming home. just recently, she yelled at me for expecting a "calm, quiet family atmosphere at home". she said its my problem for expecting that. so really, what i get from her is that she isn't going to give me a home for my last two years of living here. nice to know that your own mother is one of your worst enemies. i hate this. i hate coming home and getting yelled at, and ridiculed, and belittled, and told you're wrong. i wish so much that i could advance time and move out of my house. i wish so much to live with my girlfriend, and get married, and start my life over, without having to deal with my domineering mother. i'm tired of it. i've fought for so long, that every fight takes more and more out of me. the only savior i have is my girlfriend i know how much it would hurt her if i gave up the fight. i know i can look to her for inspiration, for love, for companionship. she is my world, and i hope she knows that every word i say is true. i would die without her. i love her so much.

q.

posted by quinn  # 4:11 PM

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