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thoughts and ramblings

a little insight into the world of the developing schizophrenic...

Saturday, July 31, 2004

july 31, 2k4

another night i sit alone. wishing someone would call. too many say they will. none actually follow through. who knows. i guess i'm just not the person people want to hang out with. maybe i'm too boring. i just wish i could see my girlfriend. i miss her so much.

q.

posted by quinn  # 8:17 PM

Thursday, July 29, 2004

july 29, 2k4

well...another chapter in my life...another thing that could push me farther away from my goal. my mom has applied for a job in chino valley, a town about four hours away. she had an interview today, one that she felt very good about. this is all fine and good, however, i can't move. there isn't a better computer program anywhere in the state. i have a life here. i know people. i have friends. i have the love of my life here. i don't want to move. there is nothing for me anywhere else. my mother is always one to talk about choices, and how they put you closer to, or farther away from your goals. this would put me farther. whats good for her would be detremental to me. not only would i lose my computer abilities, i would become a total hellion. life wouldn't matter. i would only want to be in round valley, where i am happy. everything is great here. i just can't see that happening anywhere else. and there would be no one to blame but my mother. if she makes me move, it will be her fault. i would warn her up front about the consequences of her actions. she can choose to deal with them how she wants, but it will be an up front warning of what is going to happen.

everyone who reads this, help me. its not a want to stay, its a need. for my own good.

q.

posted by quinn  # 7:24 PM

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

july 28, 2k4

i guess at times, i should just die. i am so fucking stupid. i don't know what to do when. never envy me. go home and beat yourself, have your parents beat you. don't turn out like me. everyone who knows me hates me on the inside. no one sees that. maybe they should. someone kill me. please. you all should know a cry for help when you read one.

q.

posted by quinn  # 8:00 PM

Friday, July 23, 2004

july 23, 2k4

too many times i have found myself wondering. what could have been? why did things happen like this? why am i always the one used as the example? why does all of this bad have to happen to me or anyone that has any dealing with me? haven't i suffered enough? sometimes i just don't know. i don't know why i do the things i do or why the outcome of said things always seems to be negative. at times i wonder if...i'm really meant to be happy. there are so many positive things in my life right now but i always find a way to mess them up. i've almost killed myself, my friends, and the one the means the world to me; the person i want to spend the rest of my life with. the person that i have dreams of every night about growing old with. the person i spend every waking moment wondering about, how she is doing, what she is thinking, wishing i could be with her. i don't know why. i guess i just have a lack of judgement. maybe i don't know what i'm doing when i'm doing it. maybe my mom is right. maybe i am fucking stupid. i've caused so many people hurt and pain over what i have done, and angered so many people at me for causing the hurt. i feel so, so worthless at times. especially right now. i just can't...i can't get it out. i just....i dunno. i have so much working inside of me. i can't help but feel worthless. i guess thats why i wonder if i am really meant to be happy. all of this positive around me, yet i screw it up. and every time that happens, a part of me dies. i'm slowly losing myself and there is no one to blame. it isn't a normal theft, where i can identify the person and have him or her properly punished. i know who it is, and yet, if i punish him more, i die. i can't get over it.

maybe, in the midst of all this, there is a positive. maybe, this is a test, to see whether i can hold up against myself, my only true enemy. through all of this, i will discover who i really am and discover i've been living a lie. that i am not who i have tried to convince myself. after this has been completed, everything will be peaceful. but why ME? i've had too much in my life to deal with. i've been forced to grow up too fast. not just in the recent months but over four or five years. maybe longer than that. i've had a constant fight. i've been pushed to excel, to apply myself in ways that aren't normal. and with that has come the mental maturation. i've had to worry about things i shouldn't have needed to. i tried to tune them out, but they came back. the voices in my head. the nagging thoughts. the future. my screaming inner self, fighting to be released from the prison of my body. cutting at me. seeping out with every tear, with every drop of blood. eventually, he will be freed. but where will i be? will i be able to stand? will i make it? or will my eyes turn grey from the lack of life? who knows. maybe i'm just letting everything out irrationally. maybe i'm treating this like a journal. feeling this is a private medium to let my rants out. its the only thing i know. its what i need. i need to find a way to voice what i feel inside. maybe i speak too soon. i speak of everything that is wrong and it all comes out at once. maybe people take this more seriously than they should. who knows. all i ever do is speculate. i don't know everything. i don't know as much as people say i do. i'm nothing special. i'm everything and nothing. too lost in my own self-pity to realize what i am and if i have any potential. i just hear this voice, screaming at me from the back of my head. its a harsh voice, that of reality. over and over. "you're a motherfucking piece of shit and you'll never amount to nothing". over and over, from behind me. i turn. i look. no ones there. i resume what i was doing. it repeats. getting louder and louder. i cover my ears. its still there. i've learned to live with it. it sends chills down my spine. i feel that with every step i take in the right direction, i get pulled towards failure. my own demise. only i could take a life worth living, and make it worth a mockery. everyone wishes they could be me, know whats inside my head. its not worth it. i've had too much bad in my life. the reason i speak the way i do. its because the pain of my life was so great, i had to talk to myself to keep myself alive, to be able to see the light of another morning. the reason i try to understand people. its because i've had to try to analyze why people do the things they do to try and make it right in my mind why people would insult me, treat me like shit, fight with each other when they know the effect it has on their kids, why people would choose to encompass themselves with so much hate that they forget all the joy that is brought to their lives, why people choose to blame other people before they blame themselves. i've had to teach myself, i've had to discipline myself, i've had to hate myself to the point of torture. i've kept myself locked in a cage. i've degraded myself to the point where i feel i am nothing. i've had to keep myself in check. for every positive thing i hear, i tell myself ten negative things. i've had to lose all self-esteem, self-respect, and regard for myself. i've beaten myself up for little mistakes and bled for the big ones. i am hard on myself. i've had to be. its kept me in line. so many people in my situation would have stopped caring. i've only stopped caring about myself and valued those around me. it was the only way out. through the value i gave them, i learned all that they valued and liked in me. it was the only way to see what i looked like through anothers eyes. i've made enough of a recovery to get by. its just that it comes back when i screw up, especially over someone i care so much about. i get discouraged. like the fuck-ups haven't left my body and i still need to hurt and bleed for those that are still there. maybe then i can feel the pain i've caused others and know what they've been through. maybe it will give me a greater understanding. maybe it will cause me to stop screwing up. maybe it will cause me to think before i say or do something stupid. maybe i won't and i will just keep messing up with my life. thats fine. its when i mess up those around me that i get angry at myself over. i should have known better. so what, i feel the need. i think its time to bleed. i'm going to guide the blade down the line with each cut coming closer to the vein. maybe then i will understand what its like. maybe then i will think. maybe then it wil sink in.

there are times when i hate me.

q.

posted by quinn  # 11:40 PM

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

july 7, 2k4

another day, another dollar. actually, in my case, its another few dollars worked off on my laptop. money already spent. its great. actually, it sucks but i can pretend its ok. i sit for 8 hours a day doing menial tasks for a technology illiterate boss. its not too bad when i can just sit on my own and work on stuff while i have my laptop on streaming music over iTunes. its when i can't do the aforementioned activities that i get annoyed. oh well. i guess thats why they call it work. you have to put up with all kindsa people. at least we get compensated for our work.

today was pretty normal, had to work. did some basic computer stuff, got to listen to chronixaggression on iTunes. good streaming metal @ 128kbps. nice if you have the bandwitdth. i mostly just sat and thought of my girlfriend while i was working. i love to be with her. and when i can't, i'm pretty sad. its so hard to leave her at night, even more so than when i've talked about it before. i can't wait until the day that i can spend every day and every night with her, and not have to worry about what time i have to be home, or trying to stay up late just to see as much of each other as possible. we could go to bed and be in each others arms and wake up that way, and the morning would be started off just great.

wow. dreams and ambitions. they all seem like they are too far away.

q.

posted by quinn  # 8:16 PM

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