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thoughts and ramblings

a little insight into the world of the developing schizophrenic...

Friday, May 21, 2004

may 21, 2k4

another day has passed by, moving seemlessly into night. this night not so different from others, yet an entirely unique series of events could have (and might have) transpired today, while i was completely oblivious to their occurance. i guess i don't know what i am talking about, but i'm here. i am alone again on a friday night, wishing i could be spending time with my girlfriend. it wouldn't matter where. i would be with her and that would be all that matters.

i guess one could say that today has been different from the past several days this week. for those in the know, you know that my mom and i have been having our fights. i won't say over what, but they have been happening and towards the end they were violent and malicious. accusations of wrong-doing, lying, trying to win the argument, and throwing lives away were ever present in force. i couldn't really take it. i hated to come home to a house of strife and hatred. its nothing new though. to the frequent reader, you know my plight. you know i haven't liked my home for a while. i've wanted out. wanted to be free. something that might have never happened. however, i have been called in by a counselor over poems i used for my poetry notebook. poems that raised some eyebrows with my english teacher and the assistant principal. so i talked with the counselor, a friend of my mothers and an acquaintance of mine. we knew why i was there. i told her my story. everything. she sides with me. she called my mother. my mother came home saddened because she did not have the outcome with this person that she would have wanted. if a side be taken, she is on mine, not my mother's. this angers my mother. she feels i am going to throw my life away. she doesn't understand that i have the drive to continue; it's something that she gave me. i know i can continue on, if she would just let me prove it. she's fed up and tired of me. she knows that she has started something that cannot be finished to her liking. she's giving up. where will this lead? who knows. maybe my dream of getting away from the pain, the hurt, the strife, and the hatred will come true. it will be an adjustment, something i'd rather not have to deal with. right now, i know i have a good life here. i wish my mom would calm down and see the other side of things, like she wishes i would do. i understand where she is coming from and i wish she would understand my point of view. we'll see what happens. there is some counseling in the future, as well as meetings. i guess what will happen will happen. i just wish i knew how it would turn out so i could save myself the heartache when i find out what i wish would happen can't or won't.

aside from this broken home, my life is pretty normal. school is almost over. with this ending comes the end of the worry of work and deadlines. i can concentrate my time on working, studying for nationals, and spend more time with my girlfriend, the latter of those being the most important to me. she has given me reason to work so hard in life and to keep fighting. she has become my inspiration, something that i never had until recently. she means everything to me in life, more than anyone has ever meant to me, more than anyone ever will. i miss every second that i am away from her. time crawls by when she is not next to me and whenever she is, it always moves by way to quickly. i love and cherish every second that i am with her, holding her in my arms, holding her hand, gazing and getting lost in her eyes. i still get butterflies every time she walks into the mall area in the morning, or every time she holds my hand or pulls me closer to her so she can hug me. that all gives me butterflies, like it did the first day she and i began going out. she was the first person to ever give them to me and they haven't gone away since. i love the feeling. i love the feeling i get when i am around her. she makes me feel like the most special person on earth and when i am with her i feel safe. nothing could ever harm either of us when we're together and the love that we share will carry us through everything and anything. it has been challenged many times and it has made it through. i love her so much, i could never lose her. she is so much of me. every time i leave her, i leave a piece of me behind. she has almost all of my spirit with her as we speak. i wish she had all of me. i never want to leave her side, and it is getting harder and harder to. i miss her. and love her so much more.

everyone take care and find that special someone in your life. remind them how much you care and miss them.

q.

posted by quinn  # 9:57 PM

Saturday, May 15, 2004

may 15, 2k4

oi. its official. i'm bored. i miss my girlfriend. everything i saw today reminded me of her. i wish that she didn't have to go to phoenix. i wish i could have spent friday night and tonight at her house, in her arms. i want nothing more than to be able to hold her and fall asleep in her arms. i miss her so much, and it seems like forever until i will be able to see her again. it's almost too much to bear. i miss her.

q.

posted by quinn  # 10:03 PM

Sunday, May 09, 2004

may 9, 2k4

a lot of time has elapsed. maybe too much. maybe i have let this go by the wayside because i have had better things to do. maybe i just have too much on my proverbial plate to want to deal with my own ramblings. who knows. if someone does, they should tell me. enlighten me just a little. maybe expand my mind to a new way of thinking. wow. two minutes typing and i already don't understand myself. kinda funny.

well, to fill you in on the last months. its been a hit and miss sorta deal. i've had to deal with a lot of family issues. my mother has been herself and i'm finally realizing how ugly it can be. my brother is tired of dealing with it and acts accordingly, even when its not in the best interest of getting stuff done. i've tried to be the middle man sorting things out, but i just get tired of it. i've wanted a place to escape to for so long. i guess now i've actually found it; my girlfriend's house.
i love being over there. i love the way that she makes me feel and i also love the feeling i get from her brother and her parents. i feel welcome there. that they will love me no matter what. thats something that i don't always get from my own house. i'm glad i finally have somewhere. the only problem is that i have to leave eventually. whether it be at 11:15 at night on a weekend or any other time when i'm over there during the day. i never want to leave. i would give everything up just to be with her every night. it would mean more to me than anything.

on that same note, i just got back from spending the weekend down in phoenix watching her play softball in the state tourney. it was great. i got to miss school, to be with my girlfriend and watch her play softball. and it wasn't just watching her play softball. i got to spend time outside of that with her, and prolly the best part of the trip was the ride home. not because i was going home, that was the last thing i wanted. it was because she fell asleep on in my arms. it may sound stupid, but i really enjoy that. i get the feeling that when she does that, she feels safe enough and trusts me enough to be able to sleep and not have to worry about anything. it just gives me this feeling that i make her feel safe and comfortable. its a warm feeling that, its just so weird to explain. i like the little things like that. thats why i love her so much. every little thing she does makes me smile and every time i love her more and more. we've been together for about six and a half months now and we are just as much in love now (if not more) than we were when we met. i get the feeling that, we will spend our lives together, and we will work out all of our troubles. i know i love her more than anything, and she says she loves me more than anything too. our love will carry us through anything.

wow. looking back on all of this, i see how much time i spent writing about my girlfriend. i guess its just because i really love her that much and she is always on my mind. i don't know if i could make it if i ever lost her. i just know that i don't ever want to have to find out. i love her too much. i don't want to lose her. and, its just that at times like now, when she's not online, my mind gets to thinking about her. i dream about how i wish i could be at her house right now, cuddled with her in front of the TV, watching whatever, just glad that i could be there with her. and when we were tired, we could just fall asleep right there in each others arms. she would be the last person i saw at night, and the first i would see in the morning. it would be the perfect way to start out my day, and i just wish that could be true right now. its been over a day since i've seen her, and i miss her terribly already. sundays are too long, and i wish i could find a way to make them shorter, or just spend more time with her on sundays.

well, i guess now you know how much melody really means to me. even though it was the majority of my blog, you can kinda guess that she is the majority of my life right now. i wouldn't want it any other way either.

q.

posted by quinn  # 10:15 PM

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