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thoughts and ramblings

a little insight into the world of the developing schizophrenic...

Saturday, February 14, 2004

february 14, 2k4

valentine's day. something that those in love wait for, and those not in love dread. luckily, i happen to be in the group that actually looked forward to it. i have been with my girlfriend for almost four months and every day i love her more and more. i have the love of the most important person in the world and as i have said many times before, i never want to lose that. even though she is away from me tonight, she is all i can think about. i miss her, and i hope that she is having fun. at least she can spend her day with those that are important to her.
i guess this day isn't as special as i hoped it would be. not because mel is in mesa, but because i have had another problem. this afternoon, about 3:30, my left side started twitching. it was slight at first, i just thought it was nervous stress. after only a few minutes, it became unbearable. it was tempting me. they were calling me back to what i once was. i couldn't take it. i almost gave up. and then i thought about who i would hurt. i remembered mel, and how much she meant to me, and how much it hurt her when i gave up. i stopped. i couldn't bring myself to hurt her. even if i didn't tell her, i would feel bad, and she would have found out eventually.
i'm weak. i don't understand why i need to feel this. i am past that part of my life. its over. i have something new to look forward to. i have mel. why do i need to feel like i need some other intoxication in my life?

q.

posted by quinn  # 8:18 PM

Thursday, February 05, 2004

february 5, 2k4

i wish life was easier. parents and children could get along. understanding and communication would replace hate and screaming. places in which we reside would be homes, full of warmth and caring, instead of barren white walled houses. its like a prison without the bars. one that i can leave when my time is done. there is one catch. the pain experienced within grows exponentially with every passing day. my life is becoming unbearable and i don't know how much i can take it. my mother feels the need to make me into a subservient being. if i have what she considers to be an attitude, i am punished for it and my freedoms and priviledges are threatened to be taken away. if i argue, i am considered to be moody and defiant. if i do not act on something she says at that very instant, i am yelled at. my choices are made for me, because i am not trusted enough to make the correct decision on my own. the reason cited is because she is supposed to look out for anything that could hurt me. isn't that how we learn? we learn from mistakes and until we make those mistakes, we do not fully grasp the severity of what we have done. i think it all boils down to control. she feels that i am going to lose sight of what is important to her. notice i said to her. she wants me to be her puppet. follow in her footsteps, but not make the same mistakes. she doesn't think i have the concentration or strength within to follow through with what i want, so she forces what she wants on me. i am a half-living person, tied up as if i was a marionette. the coreography works when i do what i am told. as i begin to grow and seek my own path, i am still pulled by the strings. when i stray to far from what is deemed "comfortable", i am chastised and verbally assaulted. i am threatened. again, the excuse cited is "it is the only thing that i respond to". i think its just more control. i could live without possessions, without freedoms, and i would do so just to spite her and show her that i can't be broken. my will to carry on in my own way is stronger than her will to break me. i would give up everything, but there is one thing holding me back, my one weekness. mel. i could not stand not being able to go out and be with her. i could not stand not being able to talk to her online. if i didn't have this one weekness, i would spite my mother and show her how strong my will is. but i cannot go without mel. she is the one keeping me sane. i know after all is said and done, i can count on her being there. i love her and will always love her. nothing can ever change that.

q.

posted by quinn  # 9:32 PM

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