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thoughts and ramblings

a little insight into the world of the developing schizophrenic...

Sunday, January 25, 2004

january 25, 2k4

yet another week has come to a close. we can all breathe easier knowing that in some ways, we can all start anew. i guess it is just a sense of security that all humans need. we need to have times in which we feel a new time can begin. sunday, the sabbath for some. just another day for the rest. what makes it all so important? we all make the commute back to our routines tomorrow. monday, the beginning of the work week, only by the sheer virtue that sunday night ends the weekend. sunday night at 11:59:59 marks the end of sunday. couldn't we all just start a new life every midnight? the new year ends on december 31, of that same time. i guess everything we hold near, is everything that we have created. our time is our cradle. we hold it near and close. we use it as our excuse. we use it as law. in the end, it doesn't exist. we have made it so that we could have something to relate events in our life to. its not there. its a figment of our imagination, and we have deluded ourselves into thinking it really is around. amzing how years of believing in something can change the course of history forever. yet another interesting thought arises, without time, is there REALLY history, or just a chain of random events in the lives of others?

now that the social commentary is out of my system for the time being, maybe we can move on to my life, the heart of this blog's ramblings and rants. good news this time. no more negative reflections on what is wrong with my home life, or with the people in it. only the good is worth writing about.
yesterday, i spent time with some of the most important people in my life right now. our AD team went up to play in the snow, and we all had a wonderful time. the bonding. the closeness. the togetherness. everything made my heart light, and forget about life at home. everything came together just as i had hoped for. i got to spend time with my girlfriend that i wouldn't have normally had. it warms my heart just thinking about it, and her.
reflecting on yesterday got me to thinking about the time i have spent with mel. its been about three months. it doesn't seem that long. i guess time flies when you are having fun. it has been the best time of my life. every morning, she is the first thing that enters my mind, and before i go to bed, she is the last thing i think about. i love her and every day i love her more and more. every little thing she does reminds me of why i do love her so much and i never want to lose that love. she means more to me than i ever knew anyone could. i have never felt this way over anyone and i don't think i ever could again.

enough for one night.

q.

posted by quinn  # 9:49 PM

Thursday, January 22, 2004

january 22, 2k4

life. a very prominent topic on my blog. criticisms, wants, needs. everytime i write, its something new. at least a new perspective on the routine of my life. i guess its just the isolation i have sometimes. i don't want to burden an actual human with my story. its not that important. i come here. my street corner. where i can talk to the brick walls, spread my graffiti, and look for my answers without having to hear the pain and worry in the words of the ones i am talking to. i don't like to worry people. i've dealt with pain and hurt before. nothing new. i'll get by. read this. take it in. try to understand my life. don't pity me for it. its the hell i created for myself. i chose to do what i did. i chose to let it affect me in negative ways. i'm now paying for it. i'm now fighting myself constantly to keep my head above water. its life. don't let mine get to yours. its not necessary. move on. i will.

q.

posted by quinn  # 9:55 PM

Saturday, January 17, 2004

january 17, 2k4

i guess there is just a lot on my mind and i can't find any better way to get rid of it than to vent to a group of people that don't care what i put anyway. comfort in anonymity. comfort in being alone. alone. the reason i am the way i am.

its amazing to see the mental transformation that occurs in me between the time that i am out with friends and the time when i am by myself with no one to talk to. i find myself contemplating my old habits, my old ways, my old hatred for myself. i get this image of me, alive but not really there in a drug-induced awe, cutting into myself and not feeling anything. sitting amazed on my floor while watching my blood drip in abstract designs on my floor. i see myself becoming self-destructive just to get a rush. tired of the life that has been brought before me, tired of the life that i have to lead at home to keep peace within. peace within. ironic. to be peaceful within my home, i need to have true hatred within. the supression of true feelings. such a delicate balance in my life. weighted just so that a fall is eminent. i'm fighting a losing battle. i am nothing but a shell of that which i once was. i'm broken. i have no strength to fight off the negative thoughts that are prevalent around me. i am depressed and wishing for an escape. i need help. i just don't want to bother anyone with it. i don't feel i am worthy of being worried over. i don't want people fearful of my life. i don't need people checking on my every move. i've had that. its hurt more than its helped. i've tried making the commitment to myself and my friends to avoid all that has affected me. i made a resolution. three days later, after incredible anger and hate from home, i broke that promise. i betrayed myself, but more importantly my friends. i told them i could stop. i tried to tell them that i had the inner strength to control myself. i tried to tell myself i was strong, and had entered a new chapter in life, one without all of the pain. i lied to myself, and them. i am disgusted with myself. i know what really goes on inside of me, and it makes me sick. i'm tired of me. i'm tired of being a disappointment to myself. i realize that i am just as weak as the next person. i know it will eventually be my downfall. i guess my life is just a time for me to come to terms with this, accept it, and move on. death. without it there is no life. with it, there is no me. i am broken. this is my cry. it will fall on deaf ears.

with this extra time and negative energy, i have found a creative release of sorts. it only feeds into my thoughts of death, fear, and desperation. it allows me to try and forget for a second, that my life is not as bad as it really is. an escape without chemical stimulation from outside of my body. i write songs, and i feel the need to share this one with the general masses of people that will never read this. i need to tighten the lyrics and add another chorus, but for my mental state, its a good start.

sitting here as the rays of light pass by,
passing the hours as i wonder why,
trying to understand why my life is
always fearing my life would come to this

trying to prevent my crying
trying to avoid my lying
trying to delay my dying
all my life, trying in vain

everyday being haunted by my past
feeling the pain, knowing it will last
each day, a struggle to live my way
hoping my sun will rise another day

trying to prevent my crying
trying to avoid my lying
trying to delay my dying
all my life, trying in vain

nothing like the realization that life is out to get you.

q.

posted by quinn  # 2:05 AM

Friday, January 16, 2004

january 16. 2k4

time. such a relative measurement of how long we have been on this earth. it is sometimes also a feeble method of measurement of someones age. it is felt that just because you have been around the sun so many times, you know better. i feel this is biased. i think that people are assumed to have more experience which is what people assume is maturity. just because someone is only in their teens, we are automatically assumed we don't know what is wrong with ourselves. we need to have people look over us, watch over us, shelter us from the world around us. people. amazing.
i guess this arises from a lack of understanding felt on my part from my mother. she is questioning my behavior as if there is something wrong, and i don't know it, and i am going to let it get to me to the point where i will screw my life up. i know what i am doing. it is called being a teen and having a life. i understand what i was, who i am, and what i want to be. there is no one else that does. i am me, no one else is. sheltering and protecting from what will inevitably happen will only delay, and cause more harm than good. people change. people mature. people EXPERIENCE more. if one can't understand that. try looking at it from another light. not everyone is how they appear on the surface. maybe they don't want you to know how their past has treated them. maybe they don't want you to worry over them. maybe you should try to understand rather than accuse them that they have a problem or something wrong with them. people complain that the world doesn't understand or isn't caring enough, however, stating the problem doesn't help any. there needs to be change. parents need to revisit their past. try to understand how it was for them. take those that were around you at that time. understand their lives. relate. its the only thing that will get something done about it.

q.

posted by quinn  # 7:31 PM

Saturday, January 10, 2004

january 10, 2k4

another rough time in life. life. interesting subject. so fragile, so precious, so important to so many, and yet so many are willing to give it away. i guess i could consider myself in those masses. i am not sure why my life is the way it is. the new year was one of much happiness and joy. i spent it with the most important person in my life, and many other people who are near and dear to my heart. now, not ten days later, i am a wreck. i am not sure what is going to happen between my girlfriend and i. some extenuating circumstances have appeared and i am not sure if she knows how i am handling them. i love her no matter what happens. she is still important to me and i think about her and pray for her well-bring every night. i want her to know that i still love her, no matter what has happened in her past. i will be there for her and i will help her with whatever i can. i still love her, and care for her deeply, and i don't want anything to end that.

i guess on a side note, for those that know me and read this...pay no attention to how i am hurting myself. i guess its a way for me to get in touch with my past. i feel the need to see myself in pain and watch the blood pour from my veins to the ground. i feel like i need to suffer to be truly happy. i feel the need to leave scars on my body to remind me of how i once was and why i am the way that i am. i am not mentally stable, and this is apparent to anyone who knows me. i have problems that i need to deal with. this is just a way for me to get a rush and forget them. masochistic. maybe. its life. it takes all kinds. too bad i have to be self destructive.

q.

posted by quinn  # 5:48 PM

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