thoughts and ramblings

a little insight into the world of the developing schizophrenic...

Saturday, December 20, 2003

december 20, 2k3

season's greetings from the middle of nowhere, and yet a locality that i call (reluctantly) my home. i hope that everyone is having as good a time as i am over break, when we get to see our friends, family, and those we care about in one large reunion topped of with the thrill of seeing a new year with a blank slate to start our lives over with. warms the heart and soul. even if you don't happen to be of a christian faith, my warmest of wishes is extended to you, be you celebrating hannukah, kwanza, tet, or ramadan (even though this wish would be belated by a few months, my apologies).

i guess this is just a quick note that i am going to jot by the light given off by my decorations. i am having the time of my life, very little to worry about. i have officially made the AD team, and, much to everyone's surprise, one of the stronger competitors did not. there are still a few people that have to take a few tests, so the varsity might flip around a little, but, we'll just see. that is my goal for this break; study. i need to acquire so much knowledge that i don't have.
on the other hand of things, this week has given me a much needed break. after being at scouts on monday, i have not been home all week. tuesday, i had speech/interview competition and after that, i went to DQ with my gf and a friend. wednesday, after being kinda sick and having some homework, i opted not to go tubing with some friends, however, after this, we went to a friends house to watch some movies. thursday, we just went to the bball games against window rock. friday, more movies. tonight, more movies. i love life, and all the people in it right now. i have had such a fun time this past week, especially with sandra and mel. those two have made my life so much better, and its because of mel that i am in such a good mood all the time. i have realized how important she is to me, and my life, and its almost to the point where, without her, i feel very small and alone. i miss her every second that i am not with her, and the time that i am with her, always moves to fast. with her, i feel complete, and if she were to ever leave me, she would always be part of me, and she would take part of me with her, and i would never be the same again. i guess thats just what true love is like, and you have to live with it. i feel comfortable with it, because i trust her, and feel that what she says is true, and i have no reason to think otherwise. i believe her, i trust her, and i love her, and there is very little that could ever get me to change how i feel about her.

i guess i'm kinda sentimental tonight. my mind is just drifting back to her tonight.


posted by quinn  # 11:10 PM

Saturday, December 13, 2003

december 13, 2k3

every day we all must deal with something new. that something new could be as simple as experiencing something for the first time, or as complicated as dealing with what has happened in the past, and something that has happened has reminded you of it. its nothing new, we all must deal with our past. it makes us who we are, but, when you have to deal with something serious, and you realize that, at least for the moment, you are alone, it makes dealing with it that much harder to bear, and sometimes you just feel like giving in.
i guess what i am trying to say is that, if anyone has talked to me, and not many of you have today, that it was all just a memory of pain. last night i hurt my knee from standing so long yesterday. it reminded me of soccer season, and trying to find a way to kill the pain so i could play. and then i looked farther back, to my 8th grade year. trying to kill the pain. the difference between the two is that while my pain from soccer is physical and can be treated with surgery, the pain from my 8th grade year is all emotional. the rememberance of pain brought everything flooding back. i could hardly stand myself when i woke up this morning. i didn't want to look at the mirror, because i knew that i could see past the face looking back at me, and see who he really was. i dint want to go on. i still am not sure what i am going to do. i know that more pain is always in my future, but will i look for a way to kill it, or actually seek help and try to see what makes me so depressive and angry sometimes?

other than that, live has been mostly up. i have been with my girlfriend for about a month and a half now and i have never been happier. i enjoy and cherish every second that i am with her, and when i am not with her, i am always thinking about her and wondering how shes doing. some people say that i'm whipped. i don't really care. i have the love of the most important person in the world, and i don't want to lose it.

i'm out...

posted by quinn  # 8:52 PM


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