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thoughts and ramblings

a little insight into the world of the developing schizophrenic...

Monday, October 27, 2003

october 27, 2k3

yet another new week to begin a new life with all the same faces. in such little time after everything seemingly fell apart in life, i have found a new construction of life and have been renewed within such. it was only last tuesday, when the truth passed over and left a scar within me. a scar of distrust and fear. having worked things out within myself, and forgetting all that have affected me negatively through all of this, a new life was borne in me. i found that it was over and i had to accept that. after such occurances happened, i no longer felt attached to the person who was once such a part of me. i realized that i can make me what i want without any influences from the outside. i made yet another decision. i have found someone else, someone that was always there, before the bad times, and before the good times. i began to look at this person in a new light and an incredible bond was formed because of it. the past week has been one of the happiest of my life. i no longer have to fear my actions. i can feel what i want and know how she feels and balance myself accordingly. i feel almost liberated. like something has been lifted from me. amazing what can happen in such a short amount of time. especially when one opens his eyes and looks at those that really matter and how much they care, and only want the best for you. oh well, you make choices and learn from them. its a never ending cycle that happens to all of us. we just have to take the experiences as they come and move on. the thing that reassures you to keep going is that with every hardship you find who your friends really are, and how much you really matter to them. and that they are with you for the long run, and will never leave. and for all of my friends that happen to read this that helped me through this latest episode, thank you for all that you have done for me. it means more than i could ever express with simple words.

aside from all the shit that went down in my life, there is still some good to talk about (besides my new g/f). our soccer team qualified for the arizona state tournament, going in as a 3 seed from the 3a east region and playing the 2 seed from the west, which just happens to be chino valley. we have a decent shot of making the quarters, despite being a mostly sophomore varsity team. we have been training feverishly and we want this bad since its been four years since our school went to state in soccer. we'll just have to see how bad we want this as opposed to how bad the other team wants the same win. only time will tell. as with everything.

q.

posted by quinn  # 10:14 PM

Monday, October 20, 2003

october 20, 2k3

amazing how we find time for those that are important to us, be them people, actions, or objects. it used to be i dint have time to blog, it wasn't on my list of priorities. now, with everything that is happening, i find myself typing in the URL and having my fingers tap methodically on the keys, creating words that individually mean nothing, yet when put together and combined with punctuation, mean so much more than what is said. who knows. maybe this is one way that i can express myself to a non-biased audience, and, i find comfort in doing such. i can speak my words, without fear of being criticized or questioned by who i am speaking to. who knows. i don't. i only understand myself enough to keep from going crazy and killing myself.

i guess i have to vent about what has happened over the past weekend. saturday, nothing new. i was at home while everyone i knew was out having fun. another instance where i am not the kind of person that will gather crowds or be informed where the crowds are. sunday, i found out that my ex-girlfriend got drunk with some friends, and made out with a guy. she said he wanted more, but she couldn't get my face from her mind. honestly, i don't know what to think. she can say things but, i don't know if she means them or not. i have no real proof in her actions or the way she interacts with me to know if what she says is true or not. i still love her, but, she is making it hard to continue following that path. i need to know the truth. why she called it off, why she is being this way, why she avoids me. if its bad, and it is something to do with me, then let it be said. at least there will be no doubts in my mind and i won't continue beating myself up over guessing what she feels. it will hurt to know the truth if its bad but at least i can work towards getting over it, and not having it hanging over me every second of the day.

i guess that is all that is really bothering me now. amzing how one little thing can prompt such writing.

q.

posted by quinn  # 10:03 PM

Friday, October 17, 2003

october 17, 2k3

another birthday came and went. another year upon the planet, a rock, third in line from a gigantic nuclear reactor. another trip in where i have gone millions of miles through space and yet end up nowhere. i guess we all have this realization now and again. we have so much time on this earth, and when another year passes that we realize we can't take back, we know just how limited our time really is. we all have regrets. we all have moments that we wish we could relive, because they mean that much to us. we all have times where nothing happened. it is in these experiences that we are truly unique. no one will live like us. no one will have exactly the same chain of events that we all posses. we're unique. just like everyone else.

another night of confusion, and not knowing how and where to act. being at a football game, with many of the people i know. one in particular was there, who i had not seen for a few days. i guess i just dint know how to act or how she felt. and that, coupled with floating in between groups, i guess i just dint feel great. nobody's fault, just my own. i'm just not the kind of person that people flock. just another something that i have to deal with. it was just great to actually see her after such a long time. i guess i'm still whipped, even after everything ended.

q.

posted by quinn  # 11:46 PM

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

october 14, 2k3

the past two days. the longest of my life. i have lost all feeling. a general disregard for my own life. sleep doesn't matter. eating is only a chore that i put myself through to satisfy those that are worried. i don't want to do either. i do it to get people off my back. i'm sick of having them there in the first place. they shouldn't worry. when i don't or stop, so should they. its not worth the hassle of dealing with them anymore. everyone asking if i'm ok. if i was, i wouldn't be acting like this. yet, i'm numb. i don't care about me. other's lives have more interest and meaning to me than my own. its all part of the downward spiral. i hate me. i hate my ways. i hate my face. i hate what my daily life has become at home. so much hate. all well deserved.

home. an interesting subject. never one of much love. as i sit here and write this, my mother has insulted and called me a liar because she does not believe that all of my homework is done. she sees what she chooses to perceive and how she wants to view the world. she expresses this opinion to me, what she THINKS i should be doing, and if i am not doing this, then i am insulted and yelled at. what makes her think she knows? maybe my hate of myself is absorbed from how i feel my mother views me. maybe i should hate myself. maybe my image of myself is actually how the world sees me, and i am to naiive to believe what she says as being the truth. who knows. i cannot see myself through anothers eyes. everyone has their own thoughts of what i am. the popular consensus is still to far away to acheive. i just might never know.
"you're always thinking you're so perfect. those thoughts drove me away from home..."
just another something to sum up what is happening in life i guess.

i'll make it. no one worry. i get enough of that already.
q.

posted by quinn  # 8:30 PM

Sunday, October 12, 2003

october 12, 2k3

what a difference a night makes. what a difference a few hours makes. cliches? yes. do they apply to real life? yes. why do we criticize those among us that use cliches? they may seem overused, but, at times are the simplest way to say what is wrong or right in life. i guess that mine just seems to be more wrong than right.

today, was a day of hurt and disappointment. between my girlfriend having two deaths of people close to her, and then, because of all that has happened in life, ends our relationship. from what she said, she still likes me, and just needs time to work out whats happening in her life. i want to belive her, i want to believe that she just needs time. there is a part of me that believes her. there is just this little one percent of me that wants to believe her, but, it almost can't. i believe her with all of my heart and soul, but, that one little part of my brain keeps just enough thought alive in me to keep me from being peaceful inside. some call it being cautious. i call it stupidity. from everything i have heard i have no reason to doubt anything she says. she has never lied to me. never had any REASON to lie to me. i just can't shake this nagging feeling. i don't know why. i'm just stupid. every other NORMAL person would believe her, and leave it at that. god, i hate me.

maybe i am the problem. finding friends and venting in them. letting my hurt, anger, sadness, and frustration come to the surface. everyone worries then. asks what is wrong. i hate that. i have lived for so long with everything inside and never showing it. i told people. it dint matter then. why should it matter now? just because i show it. i've lived with it for so long, i've become numb. its not that big of a deal. i just need to move on with my life. i have before, and i will continue to do so, whether i show it or not.

life, we all have it. what we choose to do with it is our choice. just another one of those things we have to deal with. great being human.

q.

posted by quinn  # 9:16 PM

Sunday, October 05, 2003

october 5, 2k3

another moment in time. another moment wishing i could take back. another moment made more complicated by the fact that i can't shut up and know when to quit talking. unfortuneatley, i am too stupid to realize that. naiive. maybe i'm just screwed up. whats with the maybe, i know i am. if i wasn't, i wouldn't be going through this right now. i would be happy. i wouldn't be me.

i have made life more complicated. not mine. i don't care about me anymore. my life can be full of hurt, pain, anger, and violence. it makes no difference. i carry on. but i have made my girlfriends life harder, and i feel like the worst person in the world because of it. i wish that i could take it all back, and feel only my hurt, instead of feeling both my hurt for screwing up, and her hurt about making the decision. sometimes, i just wish i knew when to keep my mouth shut and move on. would make other people's lives easier. mine doesn't matter.
i just wish i could let her know that i love her more than anything in the world, and she means more to me than any one person has, and to see her this way hurts me more than anything i have done before.

q.

posted by quinn  # 11:36 AM

Wednesday, October 01, 2003

october 1, 2k3

another month, came and past. supposedly i posted sometime in the middle of september. they were up for a while, guess they dint take. or someone just doesn't like me. either way. nothing new.

with a new month, comes new developments from the old. something worthy of being carried over, actually more than worthy. something that means more to me than anything around. her name is denise. no matter how bad my life seems to be at home, i can always come to school and feel like the most important person in the world. the past three weeks have been the best of my life, and i will remember them forever. all because of her.

however, like so many people's lives, with the bad comes the good. being a straight-a student has its downsides. so much pressure to live up to what people THINK you should be, and not what you WANT to be. i find that i don't do stuff just to see what people will think. however, most people don't see it that way. they assume something is wrong. maybe something is and i just won't lead on to it. maybe something ISN'T wrong, and people want to always think they're right. who knows. if i can't be honest with myself, i can't be honest with anyone else.
home...thats another story. i can't seem to do anything right. my mother assumes that she is the only one that does any work. she only chooses to remember the bad things that we have done; the good seems to escape her mind. along this same track, when something bad happens to her, she finds a way to vent. since my brother only gets her in a worse mood, i am her whipping boy. so much of my pain and hurt stems from what she chooses to do to me. when she is like this, i can do no right. there is always something that i do that she chooses to yell at me for. maybe its just something i have to learn to deal with, but, when it is constant, and she chooses to make me the target of her anger, you become brainwashed into thinking that you are REALLY at fault. maybe i am, and i'm just not honest with myself. i can't see the truth and can't admit it. wouldn't be a first, and prolly won't be the last. life is good when you can see that. not great, but at least ur honest.

q.

posted by quinn  # 9:50 PM

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