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thoughts and ramblings

a little insight into the world of the developing schizophrenic...

Saturday, August 30, 2003

august 30, 2k3

such a long time has passed. long time to speak. maybe thats good. people tend to get old and repetitive when they write every day. each day is a struggle to find something new to talk about. each day, within our own repetitive-ness and routines, we all manage to find something new to talk about. whether it is interesting or not, you be the judge. however, take these seemingly insignificant happenings in our lives and multiply them by a week or two, and suddenly, you have news. something that is worthy of being stretched into several paragraphs. has the content changed? not especially. quantity over quality. american capitalist spirit. makes me smile. amazing.
now to get down to the real nothingness of this blog:

life has been rather uneventful. nothing especially exciting happening. school. soccer. trying to survive my lack of family life. the usual struggles that most every teen has to deal with. it just seems that mine are out of the ordinary. or maybe i just like to think that because i overanalyze things. or it could be another way to keep my ego from getting to big. everyone may try to envy me, and wish they were me, and with that comes an enlarged ego. i come home and get ripped to shreds by my mother and brother. makes me feel insignificant. i guess it balances out my life. shame that it couldn't be balanced in both home and school lives. again, its just something that is too much to ask for.

tonight is just more of the same. chatting online. listening to music, a mix of the streets, flaw, socialburn, and nonpoint. interesting combo to tell the truth. not much going on. or maybe there is, and i am just not in the loop. either way, i end up where i am now. but, its not really that bad. i am talking to one of my favorite people to talk to/be with, so it all works out. life just has these weird ways of compensation. weird, because most people just don't look at things that way. they choose to focus on the negative. is that why the world is the way it is? who knows. we all can theorize and hypothesize, but we can't change the past so we never know. and as culture and life itself progresses, we are never the same, so there is no control experiment. remember that when people try and convince you that the world would or wouldn't be the same. we would never know. and we are all warped within our socialization and perception of what is wrong with the world. the world is just a creation of what we want to perceive. just like we have done with time, we have locked ourselves in an arbitrary force that we control, but choose instead to be controlled. people. such fickle creatures. but we wouldn't be around without them.

q.

posted by quinn  # 10:09 PM

Saturday, August 16, 2003

august 16, 2k3

too many days have gone by. supposedly gotten sidetracked. working. too little time for everything that i need to do. blogging gets cut. good choice? maybe. no one reads this, so i'm not leaving my audience hanging. between getting more soccer stuff, and ordering school clothes, time runs out. along with money. greed. makes the world go around. have i mentioned that before?

in the timed that i have stopped talking, very little has happened (go figure, when i want something to happen, i have to make it happen). i finished up two-a-days, got my hair bleached, helped install a driveline on a pickup. on the geek side of things, i have downloaded and installed a new web browser in linux. mozilla firebird. very nice. they make a windows and mac version as well. worth the download. and since mozilla's main focus was a tarballed linux package that was gzipped (geeks know what i'm talking about. for those that aren't, linux doesn't always require an installer like windows, you unzip and unpack the file and you get a complete running application, no installation neccessary), you don't need to install it, because they carry over the format to windows. its kew. popup blocking. good security. i like it. my sales pitch for the night. oh and its free.

not much else to talk about. i'm on msn and no one is talking to me. i've got the comments up on this blog. no one posts. maybe i'm just not that popular. never really thought i was, but, maybe i thought people would humor me, and try to make me at least feel better. guess not. nothing like being different.

q.

posted by quinn  # 8:25 PM

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

august 13, 2k3

a day. the moon slowly fades away as the daylight streaks across the newborn horizon. each day harboring new opportunities and possiblities. each day we try and convince ourselves that today will be different, yet we always find our day another repeat of the seemingly endless grind. each day, when asked if anything is new, our response tends to be, no. our minds, trained from the beginning. taught that you never know what will happen the next day. sometimes you don't. rare. usually nothing changes. we work each day to end where we began. nothing like a little cynical thinking to get the day warmed up. welcome to my morning. it keeps me sane.

today had the feelings of every other day. pain, disappointment, boredom, anger. everything one needs for a day to feel complete.
the morning started early, as it has this entire week. 7am. soccer practice. today, something different. we ran. 4 miles, with an intense uphill sprint in the middle. got home. relaxed. ate. showered. cleaned the house a little. got ready for another practice at 5pm. went to that after a rainstorm. lucky us, we got to run stadiums indoors. finished those. talked a little strategy for playing. went home. ate. got accused of being a jackass by my demanding mother, just because i have my own way of thinking and don't always go along with what she says. attitude? disrespectful? neither. call it having a spine. for complaining for being persecuted for having a different way of thinking, she likes to have things go her way. hypocrisy. amazing trait that.

every time that i get home, i feel a radiant negative energy. don't know where the source is, but i assure you, its there. maybe its from my mom. she wants us to be the best, but at the same time, compromises my individuality and fun. overbearing. nothing quite like it. she has her ideas, i have mine. ultimately, mine are the only ones that matter. honestly, i hate people telling me how to live my life. its not theirs. they don't have to live with what i do to myself. if i screw it up, i want it to be my fault. maybe its pride. she doesn't want to have to live with screw-ups. to bad for her. i am genetically predisposed to screwing up. or maybe i just get that vibe from her. the spark of a question enters my brain: life without overbearing parents. joy? pain? one never knows until one finds out.

q.

posted by quinn  # 9:09 PM

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

august 12, 2k3

"strapped down and heavy, tied up and bound"
so few words, yet the meaning is all there. life. the one thing that all of us needs, yet can be so confining at the same time. why? do we choose? do we live the predetermined life that someone with an obscure goal in mind wanted for us? so many questions. lacking answers. such is life. ironic.

amazing. i sit here and type these words that flow to my fingertips. i express myself, and all that i am. every time. i read. feeling empty. my life is predetermined. i'm just here to screw up. big surprise. never good enough for my family. always being pushed. i guess an intense self-hatred was the only natural thing to develop. maybe being put on a pedestal by my peers is the cause. always being envied for my intelligence. ego self control mechanism. downside: it never turns off. self-hatred. self-destruction. never being missed. all the natural chain of events. the one thing i can't screw up. wait. product of the screw ups. another screw up in a sense. again. life.

weird. humans. so fickle. we want everything. expect it. whine when it isn't. then try and carry on. seems like wasted energy. maybe its just me. i know that i am different enough. i can handle the fact that i am a freak. human contact is something that shouldn't occur with me. locked in a cage. never physically. just emotionally. more of the same. self-hatred. masochism. maybe i just truly hate myself. one never knows.

"i cannot be forsaken, because i am not the only one"

q.

posted by quinn  # 9:30 PM

Monday, August 11, 2003

august 11, 2k3

soccer season started. happy times are now in season quinn's mind. however, i have to come to the realization that no one cares. i think that is something that everyone should have to remember. no matter how happy you are, very rarely should you spread your happiness to far, because, the fact of the matter is: no one outside of your close circle cares. sad, yet, that doesn't make it any less true. weird. humans are so intent on finding happiness, yet, when others find it, we can't be happy with them. we get bitter and angry because they have it and we don't. does anyone else find this weird? oh well. we're greedy. if we weren't, we would be another third world country. actually, if you go back far enough, if we weren't greedy, columbus wouldn't have found his claim to fame. ironic really. one thing so good, yet, will ultimately be our downfall. tragic. really.

one has to wonder what the world would be life would be like if we weren't the way we are. i guess everyone has to go through that. then cope with the fact that you can't change the past, and try to carry on in the future. yet, nothing seems to change. we just find ways to hide. laziness. who wants to change? too much work. it doesn't hurt us yet. screw the next generation and their kids. i'm living for the here and now. sound familiar. analyze.

sorry, don't mean for this to be a social commentary. some things just need to be said. no one else will. not like it matters though. no one reads this anyway.

q.

posted by quinn  # 9:38 PM

Sunday, August 10, 2003

august 10, 2k3

yet another long night/early morning in my life, though this time differed from the norm; i actually accomplished something (however, it is only for the geeks amongus). my samba configuration file for linux works now, and i can browse the network. i was able to add mp3 support to a media player, and rip the queen of the damned soundtrack (which contains a new found song that i really enjoy, earshot - headstrong). i also found a way to run my win98 computer to have it share the internet connection to my linux box. all i need is to download a java runtime and everything will be golden. i finally caved in to one of my most simplest desires and fell asleep at about 2:30.
the morning began early enough (about 8). got up. worked out my shell scripting in linux. ate. watched some soccer. anticipated two-a-days that will occur for the next week or so. watched machester united's keeper pull out the sick skills against barcelona. wishing i could be like that.

again i find myself listening to earshot. its actually a good song if you listen to the lyrics. its about a guy that is overcomed by the pressures of life and love. he thinks the one who "means the world to him" will follow him in his life, but she's too headstrong, which in the end, turns out to be a good thing. very tight riffs. it also can be applied into life, especially mine.

within all of this success that i have, i only seem to find an empty shell. i have a void, whether it be within my soul or manifested in reality. everything i do only seems to be a temporary escape. every time that i talk to some of my friends online, i feel, like i am liberated. like, nothing else matters. then, as the conversations end, i am dropped forcefully into reality. so many times, i wish i could escape who i am; longing for something else. everyone seems to wonder why i can't stand myself. they can't see what i see. my perception is either too true, or too skewed for someone else to see. maybe it all boils down to how you see yourself, because only you know your actions. who knows. self-destruction might be something built into all of us, yet only a few know it is there. those that do are tempted to use it. some do. they are mourned. some don't. they go on to be pshrinks. maybe there is some hope. not for me. but for the world to avoid knowing me. more trouble than i am worth. how satisfying that sounds.

shut up quinn. no one cares.

q.

posted by quinn  # 9:23 PM

Saturday, August 09, 2003

august 9, 2k3

yet another exciting day in the middle of nowhere, yet the center of everywhere. last night got a little scary (again, only for those geeks among us). tried to run some gui configs in redhat to configure samba. locked up the system. almost crashed my harddrive. got sick of it. unplugged the harddrive. added a new one. tried to put slackware 9 on it; no avail. got tired. read some cisco v3.0 crossover material. finally turned the lights out at 1am.

this morning had some better success. found a version of swat (samba web administration tool) that worked with my release of samba. un rpm'd it. it worked. lucky me.

not much happened beyond that. rather uneventful is the life i lead. to me, the whole goal is to have just enough excitement to keep from going insane, but don't spend a lot of energy on it. laziness. yet another desireable trait. another special something that makes the world go round. that and greed.

trying to figure ou how to add comments to this thing so you all can criticize me or tell me how much this sucks or you never know, it might be for something positive. i think i have it working, and i just need to re-publish it, but if any of you want to e-mail me, the address is qunsdr@hotmail.com.

i think i am going to call it in for tonight. i am going to install mp3 support in xmms in linux (they got scared and took it out in redhat 9). after that, i think i am going to lay in bed, watch movies, and digest some ok chinese food (i had to test it out, vica networking is in april and i need some "brain food").

q.


posted by quinn  # 8:52 PM

Friday, August 08, 2003

august 8, 2k3, 8:30pm

seeing so much blogging go on around me, i might as well let myself get caught up in the mess. sounds fun.

for those who don't know me, i go by quinn. i revolve around the sun in a locality called eagar, arizona, or it could be in western new mexico, the jury is still out on that one. i am what most would consider a teen, being 15, yet, the inner child is screaming for recognition. go figure. of all of the inner children, i have to get a loud obnoxious one. maybe it all fits together. maybe i should shut up and actually talk about my life, instead of complaining about my defectiveness.

today...well....today was another underwhelming day to say the least. trapped within my house. nothing to do. boredom: the mother of the necessity of invention.
i had to deliver paperwork to clear me for school (whatever happened to just being able to walk out on the field and beat the living snot out of yourself and not have administration care?). got that done, got yelled at (a daily occurance anymore). went home, watched tv (techtv to be specific). got bored. worked on my computers. engineered a fan for my computer. pretty boring day, unless you happen to be of the social status of geek, then, life is good.

can't wait for the soccer season to start. the one place where i can actually let all of my angst out in a "constructive and healthy manner". i fail to note that it is only healthy for me, and not the guy whose shoulder i dislocate. sometimes being an intellectual has its disadvantages. that would be one of them. upstanding, well mannered, not being dependent on substances. all expected based on age-old stereotypes. screw being refined. i'm being me.
on the other hand, being able to find pleasure in math or computers, and not having to necessarily be attached to people constantly, also has its advantages. in fact, 80% of the time, dealing with people downright sucks. people suck. a new slogan for the "me" generation.
however, to be fair and equal to everyone, not everyone sucks. i know of a few people that might read this that don't. the key to staying sane life is to find those that don't suck and tell the rest of the people to go play a rousing game of hide-and-go-fist-themselves. look at me now, getting philosophical. or maybe its just getting cynical. call it what you wish. i'm just being me.

contemplating what to do next. should i get online and be disappointed when i see all the people online on my msn that won't talk to me? should i post this for the world to criticize?
what do you know. indecisiveness turns into a medium for getting multiple tasks done. i might just do both.

q.


posted by quinn  # 8:58 PM

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