thoughts and ramblings

a little insight into the world of the developing schizophrenic...

Thursday, January 12, 2006

january 12, 2k6

human emotions...amazing what they can do. one person acts of his own without thinking of the feelings of others. selfish in a way. and its also amazing what damage they can do and drive a stake between two people.
i'm guilty of the above crime. i considered the actions of myself, and not of my girlfriend. i acted and did something that would be the cause of a breakup in many relationships. regardless of how i acted, i knew it was wrong and should have never participated in it in the first place. i don't know why i do what i do...it just happens. its almost like i'm out of control, and i don't realize what i have done until after the fact. i guess i'm just an idiot. i had the love of a beautiful girl, one who treated me like i was the most important person in the world. one who wanted to be with me forever. and i do this. what kind of person am i? i don't deserve her. i'm not worthy of her presence. at times, i don't understand how she puts up with me...and yet she does. there is a love that exists between us that i am so grateful i have found, even though these actions may not show it.
talking with her last night, i realized that i had become my father. not only had i hurt the love of my life, but i had become everything i stood against. my mother was right...and because of her being right...i've hurt a relationship.
i've felt so lost. i tried to understand why i did it. i don't know...i may have some inner trouble that caused me to do it...it may have been a rush...i don't know. but it was wrong. i lost so much blood last night. my arms, my wrists, my legs, my chest, and my fingers all bear the reminder. it hurts to type these words as the slices run deep. i haven't been able to eat or sleep. the few minutes i did fall asleep i woke up biting my arm. i tore flesh i bit so hard. i hate myself at my inner core. i hate what i've become.
the sad thing is...this may have been too late to realize anything and correct it. the damage has been done to the relationship...and i don't understand how she could take me back. the fact that she has...there is a love there. i want to make things up to her...i want to get past this....i love her. i wouldn't be torturing myself over this if i didn't. but the damage is done and my words are hollow to her.
i need to bleed more...she's still hurting....


posted by quinn  # 7:04 AM

Saturday, February 12, 2005

february 12, 2k5

in reality, not much has changed in the world around me. i am still the same person, going about the same activities that i always do. i am still spending as much time with the love of my life, the person that means more to me than anyone or anything. i am still madly in love with her, and i always will be.
mentally, however, i am finding new enlightenment. i have been reading the diary of soren kierkegaard, a danish philosopher considered by many to be the father of existentialism. in his notes, he writes much about his bouts of melancholy, his constant struggle to be happy when seeing the true depth of his sadness when compared to the happiness of his love. he feels like one of the "cursed ones", dealing with so many heavy thoughts and deep feelings, and trying to appear happy so as to not drag others down. it hits home, in a very eerie way. i know i'm happy. i have everything i could ever need. i have a good life, a bright future, and the love of the most important person. i can see myself at every step in life, next to her. its just, something intangible. its always there. i try to hide it from her. its not her problem to deal with, its something that i have created or been cursed with, and its something that i must carry onward. i wish i didn't have to burden her with it, dealing with it in her presence. i hope she realizes it is not her fault. its something i've been cursed with. its not her, its just me. she makes me happier than i have ever known, and its her love that has kept me above water so often. she's been my inspiration, and always will be. i don't want anyone to take her place. she has my heart, forever, and i can't wait until we're married and everyone will know that i married the greatest girl in the world.


posted by quinn  # 11:30 PM

Thursday, February 03, 2005

february 3, 2k5

i dunno anymore. sometimes i just wish i had more patience. sometimes i wish i could take back things i said. sometimes i wish i wasn't such a prick.
today, i saddened melody again. we were working on a theatre tech assignment, and we had to pick a movie with special effects and write about them. she wanted me to choose a movie, and i kept rambling off ones that i could think of, and none of them were what she wanted. i finally gave up and just repeated i dunno, and she kept asking me to choose. i just got quiet, because i guess i was kinda annoyed. and she got really quiet and sad, and wouldn't hardly look at me. i hate when i do that. i wish i had more patience.
i'm sorry melody, i love you. i feel bad.


posted by quinn  # 4:03 PM

Monday, January 03, 2005

january 3, 2k5

i don't know why i've been in a funk lately. something just feels like it is dragging me down. every time i feel happy, i lose it all. i can't understand why. i have the greatest girlfriend in the world. everything she does makes me smile, and i know we're destined to be together. the only thing that seems different is her drinking. she has started doing it again, after a long time without. i don't know why, its just every time she does it i feel like a piece of me dies. its just i am so scared when she does it. she can't control herself, and she doesn't remember what happens to her when she does it. she has messed up once, and i have forgiven her for that. it was so hard for me to tell her. i wanted to curl up in a ball and cry because it hurt, and i knew it hurt her. i know she didn't mean to do it, its just i'm so scared that it might happen again. i used to drink too, but i can't anymore. i know that if i fall back on drinking, when i get depressed i'll have a hard time and i might die because i will fall back on alcohol. thats not what i want to do. i want to find the joy in my life, not some fake happiness to help me along. the taste of vodka is so good to me, i just can't get over the fact that i'm hurting myself, and i know that she is hurting herself too. every time i drink i can't get a shot down because i don't want her to put up with me when i'm like that. i want to be the one taking care of her, not trying to help her hurt herself. she craves the buzz, and i can't ask her to give that up. i just have to find a way to deal with it all. it just bothers me when i talk to her, and i know that she won't remember any of what happened. its like i'm talking to a wall, and it makes me sad. what makes it worse is that every time she does drink, she stays over at someones house so she won't have to drive so she can really fuck herself up. its like there is no moderation. i know its part of growing up, and i know she was doing that long before she met me. i can't ask her to give it up, she'd never forgive me. maybe i'm just whining. who knows. its just hurting me and i have to find a way to deal with it. until then, i'm not sure what i can do. its been eating at me this whole weekend. i haven't been able to sleep or eat much. i've been worried over her, and hoping and praying that she doesn't get hurt, or do something she'll regret. i would die. i would almost not be able to take it. i would have to draw the line, because it may happen once, and i know she didn't mean to, but to repeatedly put herself in that situation is a lack of judgement. who knows. its only been once. i hope she is careful and knows that the only reason i am saying these things is because i love her and would die if i lost her, or if she was hurt. she is my world, my everything. i'm nothing without her. i love her so much i cry every time i think about something bad happening to her, or coming between us. she is the only one that i've ever done that with, and she will be my only one. i love her more than life itself, and i value her love more than anything else that i will ever have in my life.

posted by quinn  # 10:35 PM

Sunday, January 02, 2005

january 2, 2k5

another new year. started off the way i would dream. i spent midnight with the girl of my dreams. we gave each other new years kisses. we did everything we wanted; spend time with the love of our lives. i couldn't ask for a better night. she is my world, and i hope she knows that i love her with all of my heart and soul. i tell her every day, but i feel that there is never enough time in the day to actually say "i love you" as much as i feel it for her. i can't wait to be married to her, and spend every night with her, holding her close, and waking up in the middle of the night to make sure that i'm not having a dream. those days seem so far away. i wish i could speed up time.


posted by quinn  # 1:29 AM

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

december 22, 2k4

boredom. such an interesting topic of discussion. it will drive many people to do weird or different things, all in the name of staying sane. sanity. there's another interesting topic. those that have it say they've lost it and those that have lost it try to maintain the stability that those that have it have. its an amazing reversal of roles. everyone wants to have something different, something new, something they've never tasted. its what drives the consumer market. people have/make things that everyone else wants, and those that have it try to fake it like they are normal, like everyone else that doesn't have what they do. i guess its just part of being human, trying to fit in the norm. its amazing that our socitey has tried to become homogenized. one nation, one people. we're trying to become something we aren't. we are all different and yet we push ourselves to be like those on tv: beautiful, wealthy, popular, careless. and yet, we are not all like that and we never will be. i guess its good to have goals, but to have them in such extremes seems childish and immature. and yet i'm the one who needs to grow up. ironic.

now you see the effect boredom has on people. to keep myself occupied i began writing about something very pure and simple, boredom, and yet because my mind had left over energy and time, i took it to a new direction to occupy my time. i kept flitting and floating, trying to keep myself one step ahead of what i was going to think next. my fingers were flying furiously on the keys, creating text from the seemingly insignificant characters in front of me. i kept moving in a different direction with each topic, each one bringing a new twist, a new topic, a new spin on what is happening in the world around us. i could have kept going, but one doesn't need to beat a dead horse to prove a point; you all understand what i was getting at with only a few examples.
however, suppose i hadn't stopped where i did. suppose i kept going. who knows where i might have ended up and what i might have done. carry this further, away from words, but towards actions. we all have been victims of this. some have called it annoying. some may have moved away from the sector of harmless to that of destructiveness. some have taken that energy out on others. some take it out on themselves. some bear the scars to prove it. with the scars come depression and feelings of desperation and isolation, very scary things to humans. this creates a spiral, a downward vortex of self-pity and destruction, all from being bored. these feelings lead to more negative energy which can ultimately end the lives of those you love. scary to think about. even worse to be in.

all of this from being bored. thank god i've passed that stage.

another social request for the night: give those that you love and care about a deep and heartfelt hug. tell them how much they mean to you. even if they aren't bored and neither are you. you need to keep the positive energy flowing to fight the self-destructive boredom, so they find a more creative release. words. pictures. music. you could help someone and save their life. think about it.

now that i have spent my time writing all of that, i would like to follow my own advice:
melody, you know that you have helped me so much. through all of my good times and all of my bad times. you have kept the postive energy flowing that was so important and lacking in my life. you've been my inspiration through all that has happened in my life. i don't regret anything that has happened. and i don't because you've been there with me to share it. you're my other half. everything you feel emotionally affects me too. you're my soul mate, the only one for me. i know that. i've known that for some time. its a dream come true that you found me and that you feel the same for me that i feel for you. you make my life feel so perfect, and i can only hope that i have done the same for you. you are worth it. you deserve the best that i can provide. and you will always get my best, i couldn't bring myself to do anything less for you. i love you. forever. always. deeply. you will always be the love of my life.


posted by quinn  # 8:21 PM

Thursday, December 09, 2004

december 9, 2k4

a long amount of time has elapsed since my last post, and there haven't been too many new developments. i get to go to disneyland with my girlfriend's family in 8 days, and i'm really excited. i'm glad i get to go to a really neat place (that i've never been to) and i get to be there with the love of my life, the person that means the most to me, the person that will always be the center of my universe. it also gets me out of the house for a few days, because my mom has been acting weird. it almost seems like she has stopped counseling, and is reverting back to her old ways. i can't stand it. i hate coming home. just recently, she yelled at me for expecting a "calm, quiet family atmosphere at home". she said its my problem for expecting that. so really, what i get from her is that she isn't going to give me a home for my last two years of living here. nice to know that your own mother is one of your worst enemies. i hate this. i hate coming home and getting yelled at, and ridiculed, and belittled, and told you're wrong. i wish so much that i could advance time and move out of my house. i wish so much to live with my girlfriend, and get married, and start my life over, without having to deal with my domineering mother. i'm tired of it. i've fought for so long, that every fight takes more and more out of me. the only savior i have is my girlfriend i know how much it would hurt her if i gave up the fight. i know i can look to her for inspiration, for love, for companionship. she is my world, and i hope she knows that every word i say is true. i would die without her. i love her so much.


posted by quinn  # 4:11 PM

Monday, October 25, 2004

october 25,2k4

haven't written in a while...nothing new i guess. every time my life is great i tend to not want to write. i find that it is too much to work to actually type words on the screen. maybe i feel the need now because my girlfriend isn't online, and i need something to fill my time while i can't talk to her. one does things for many reasons, trying to find them is the hard part, and it is even harder to explain them.
i guess i can start with my happiness that in two days, the 27th, my girlfriend and i will have been going out for a year. it doesn't seem like that much time has elapsed, it feels like only yesterday she gave me a ride home from AD practice on the night that i was in tears over what my ex- had done at the time. i never knew it would develop into something like this. each and every day i thank whatever divine force is up above us for making me the luckiest man alive. every day i wake up i know i get to see the smile of the face that can make me happier than anyone ever will. she is my one true love, and i knew a long time ago that i wanted to spend my life with her. i know now that no matter what happens, we'll be together. we've been through more together than anyone should have to. its made us stronger. its created a bond and a love between us that will never be broken. i am so lucky to have such love. it has made my life so much better. i can't wait until the day that we can spend our lives together.
i'm not sure what else there is in my life. my mom is unemployed, we're on welfare. its making my life harder. another obsticle that i have to overcome, just another twist in the neverending switchback that is my life. i guess it will make me stronger, and i'll have a greater appreciation for living frugal. i just wish it never had to happen. i had a talk with a teacher that i know fairly well, and she said that times are getting harder, and that she has had to counsel a lot of people. these people had great homes, but real problems in their heads. they were having a lot of trouble and she was worried about drug use. and i thought back. that was me. the problems at home weren't as bad as i thought, but i made them that way. i dunno. my life has been weird. i've had to deal with a lot, overcome myself. i've made it. i wish i could help others do the same. who knows.
i guess in this special time for me, i want to have everyone find one person they love and care about. tell that person how much they mean and how special and important they are to you. tell them honestly, truly, and sincerely. it could mean the world to them.


posted by quinn  # 8:59 PM

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

september 21,2k4

well...another few weeks has come and gone. nothing much has changed. home life isn't really life, just another place to be and be reprimanded. school is school. i go, i learn, i socialize. the one positive is the socialization. i get to see my girlfriend, and that always brightens my day. i guess that she is the one holding me together through all of the shit that happens in my life. thats normal i suppose. i find more comfort and love in her family than i do in mine. i go there and feel like i am part of something. that all gets torn down when i have to come home. i get yelled at, accused of having an "attitude", belittled, not listened to, and argued with all before i have time to put my keys down. it taints and stains the walls. i can feel it, like a living breathing organism. it resides in the walls and is always looking over your shoulder, looking for the next time to attack you. it never leaves you alone. welcome home.


posted by quinn  # 8:11 PM

Sunday, September 05, 2004

september 5, 2k4

a weekend full of excitement and promise, kinda turned out underwhelming. i guess i say this because we had our soccer tourney, and i was supposed to play four games. i only managed to play one. i was pumped to play sedona, our first opponent. we lost 2-1. a loss, but we outplayed them and they just managed to put one in under my fingertips. i was peturbed. i'm better than that, and i know it. i wanted revenge, a chance to prove myself. i was going to get that later that day, we played snowflake. the game looked promising, until about 7 minutes in. i was reaching for a ball, and a player from snowflake came charging in. i wrapped up the ball, but succeeded in taking a shin to the left temple. it rattled me around and gave me a mild concussion. i was out for the game, as i was in the hospital getting checked out. our team lost 2-1 again. the next day, i was checked out and i was ok to play. i wanted to play. my coach didn't want to play me. our team lost 7-1. i'm not saying i could have prevented a loss, but it wouldn't have been as bad. and when you have a good keeper, every stop made transfers energy to your team. our team didn't have that. everyone was dead, and they wanted me out there. it wasn't happening. finally, we didn't play our last game. it was canceled. we didn't have enough refs. even though there were no four o' clock games. our vice principal is a dick. what can i say.
other than that, my weekend was great. after my morning games, i could stay with my girlfriend. we went out to lunch and hung out the entire day, until my afternoon game. i loved it. it felt like we were older, when we were married. and we could spend the entire day together. she even waited two hours for me in the emergency room until i was cleared. everything she does, it just makes me smile. i can't wait until we are married, and can spend the entire night in each others arms. that would mean so much to me.

anyhoo, its been a long weekend, and i've still got a little headache. i think i hear a few excedrin and a mountain dew calling my name. maybe a tom clancey novel if i don't fall asleep first.


posted by quinn  # 8:00 PM


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